Monday, August 15, 2011

Selfish Prayers

I wrote this one day last week.

Every night after Evie nurses and I rock her to sleep I hold her until my arms fall asleep. Usually I don't notice the numbness. Once I've wiggled my fingers enough to feel again I lay her down in her crib, oh so far from the cradle where she once slept in our room. For about a month now it has been very hard to put her to sleep in her own room. I just want to have her with us again so I can listen to her sleep and make sure she is still breathing.

Once I've tucked the blanket around Evie I lean over her, my hand resting on her chest I say the most selfish of prayers. I thank God for the light in my life, a light that has made sense out of the darkness in my life, and pray he never takes her from me.

Then I scoop up the cats who insist on following us into her bedroom and gently latch the door. Just hearing a quiet baby monitor causes me so much anxiety.  She's slept through the night for quite awhile but I still wake up about every two hours to listen for her.

Then the next day I'm slightly annoyed when she howls if I leave the room. In the past week or so she's become exceptionally clingy. She's never been upset with me when I've left her at daycare before but this morning my heart is breaking because she cried as soon as she saw me walking out the door.

So sad. I hate leaving my little girl.

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