In light of the tragedy of the loss of my friend's baby boy I've been making even more of an effort to capture all the memories I can of my family, especially Evie Kay, despite my failing memory. I close my eyes and try to find somewhere in my brain to save the simplest of memories and feelings, the ones that are fleeting.
Last night Evelyn gave me the gift of such a sweet moment that I am writing it down so I can try to remember it forever. She was halfway through her last feeding before bedtime and she was very drowsy so I thought I'd wake her up with another book before she fell asleep completely so she could finish her feeding. We read Good Night Moon which she especially loves it because it is one of those press board books so she can turn the pages. After we finish I always let her play with the book awhile because she loves turning the pages and looking at the pictures again so much. She was calming back down and snuggled up against me. I was singing to her, "I see the moon and the moon sees me, God bless the moon and God bless me." She tilted her head backwards and up towards me to watch me sing and started to close her eyes. She loves it when I kiss her face. So I kissed her forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks, her chin, and the bridge of her nose. She especially loves the bridge of her nose to be kissed. She wiggled around so she was facing me and hugged her arms around my neck and softly baby babbled.
I just know she was saying, "I love you Mommy." Granted, it came out more like, "la la ah goo."
We finished her feeding, she fell asleep around 9:30 p.m. and I rocked her until 10 p.m. because I just couldn't put her down yet. I stood up with that precious little girl in my arms, so peaceful asleep, and kissed her one more time on her nose. I stepped ever so slowly as you do when carrying a sleeping baby through the living room, dodging cat toys, to her room and put her down in her crib. I still couldn't leave her yet so I sat with her and just watched her sleep. She is so still and calm when she sleeps, but takes these little whispers of breaths.
While I watched her sleeping I thanked God she was mine, that she was here for me to love and in my head said a prayer for Erica that all the little happy memories she has of Marcus are what fill her thoughts as she lives through this awful loss.