I would give anything to be a stay at home mom. Caring for Evelyn has been like nothing I've ever done; it's been an exhausting happiness. But, the time to return to work is looming. The foreboding in the pit of my stomach, the fear of leaving Evie, has me thinking I'd much rather be transported to the 1950s when households could be supported by one worker. Just a generation ago women were burning bras and fighting glass ceilings (I think those ceilings are still there in some cases), but I'm not sure all our mothers and grandmothers fought for was entirely worth it.
It's great that I could be a lawyer if I wanted. BUT, I don't want to have a high powered career where I can prove I can do anything a man can do. I want a high powered career as a mom. I have to say it makes me feel somewhat guilty. I know some would say I have potential for so much more. But, I think this is the best way I could use all my abilities. I'm not sure I'll figure out a way to reconcile leaving this adorable little girl for a paycheck.
You couldn't pay me enough to feel at peace about leaving her! My heart aches just imagining leaving her at some germ-filled daycare. I'll never be a June Cleaver type SAHM, but I think I'd come close in my own neurotic sort of way. This is such a gut wrenching struggle. I have no idea how to fix the little part of my heart that is starting to break just thinking about it.