Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It's Official - I'm Twenty-Nine and I've Stopped Counting

It's official as of 6:30 pm EST - I'm twenty-nine.

I've spent the day feeding a lovely daughter, odd that I couldn't have imagined a better day. She gave me the gift of two separate two hour naps today! She's only just over a month old and she's already thoughtful.

Truth is the past couple of days have been really hard, some of the hardest so far in motherhood.

The dark times in motherhood come under the cover of night and sleep deprivation. Prior to today I'd only had about two hours sleep since Saturday. Monday night, well early morning really, I broke down. I'd been up for two days straight and fed Evie through the night. I couldn't hold my head up anymore so I put her in the cradle and went to her room and crawled up into the fetal position under a comforter to try to sleep.

Here's the thing though - you can't turn off Mommy. I could hear her fussing two rooms away and couldn't sleep. Her daddy tried to soothe her until he had to go to work. He came in and got down on the floor with me, held me, and tried to tell me it would be okay. Unfortunately there is no rationalizing with a zombie.

I told The Husband the unthinkable, "I can't do it anymore. I give up. Other people want babies." But, I didn't give up. I cried for five minutes then greeted the day and that angry little baby with a smile and a hug. We got through it but not without me thinking I should just put my shoes on and start walking because anything would be better for Evelyn than me as a mother.

Funny how that self doubt and dark thoughts aren't part of all those mommy books. Sure, they talk about post-partum and the baby blues, but they don't tell you being a new mom will have you questioning your very sanity and hating yourself while sleep deprived.

You do though. Then suddenly the sun has come up and that little baby looks at you and you forget how tired you are, how hungry you are, that you've been holding your pee for an hour, and that all you can do to keep up is just drink more water.

Today the sun finally came out of the clouds. Granted I've not been able to make it outside to enjoy it, but I have big windows. See, every birthday I've ever had, all twenty-nine, it has rained (or snowed).

The theme of my birthday has always been gray. They've always been dreary and depressive. In fact I've always been depressed on my birthday. But this year, the fog lifted just in time, just in time for me to enjoy this happy baby, get some sleep, and thank God for another year.

That's all for now...we're sleepy.

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