Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Thoughts on Becoming a Mom as Week 37 Comes to a Close

Monday is going to be a big day. I start my maternity leave at work (although technically that starts 5pm on Friday) and we have the ultrasound to see when they're going to deliver Baby Girl.

As much as my mother thinks the OB and I can see the future, we're working with estimates at this point. Monday the 24th I see the perinatologist for an ultrasound and they're going to assess the amniotic fluid levels and her size. If the polyhydramnios (also hydramnios) is at a severe level still the only 'cure' at this point will be to deliver. They'll then perform an amniocentesis to assess her lung function. If she can be delivered they'll either schedule an induction or planned cesarean section. They will schedule a C-section if Baby Girl's head is estimated to be too large or if she's estimated to be over 10 lbs. They are expecting this will be the case.

If she's between 9-10 lbs I'm pushing for a natural delivery. I know I'm crazy. I will of course consider pain medications but options for that will be limited due to some of my vertebrae being fused.

My mother, for all her overbearing and meddlesome control issues (even if they do come from a good place), is my standout role model in this. Now some of you may know, including my darling mother, her and I don't always get along because we're both so strong willed. On one hand she is one of the biggest stresses in my life, but on the other hand her will and strength is what lights my way in what can be a dark life sometimes.

I can't think of a better role model for strength in the face of adversity...

...or strength in the face of a giant baby.

My sister and I were both just under and over 9 lbs and my mother gave birth to us entirely naturally in the 80s. She championed a natural birth, breastfeeding, and kangaroo care when it was unheard of in the obstetrical world. If my Mom got through it twice, I can surely do this once!

So, her birthday depends on how the appointment Monday goes (unless of course I go into labor before then).

Now, all this seems minor compared to all my other worries. I'm going to go on leave at work and I'm so worried that all the hard work I've done to build our business, service our patients and referrals, and keep the branch running smoothly will go to waste. Talk about a control freak.

Going on leave also means not having a paycheck. We barely make ends meet with Tim's two paychecks and mine. I'm not sure how we're going to get by without mine. On top of that we need to move because we can't afford how high they've raised our rent. So, once she's born we need to resume looking for a new place with a newborn and then move with a newborn.

Oh, and don't even get me started about my worries about being a good parent. I've read What to Expect in the First Year three times already, done the parenting classes, and read every other parenting book I can find and still don't feel like I'm 1% prepared for what is coming. I'm terrified she'll cry and I won't be able to comfort her. Terrified I'll give her diaper rash. Terrified I'll fail at breastfeeding. Terrified I'll somehow accidentally hurt her. Terrified I won't play with her the right way. Terrified she'll die of SIDS. Terrified I won't tie the baby carrier right and drop her. I could go on and on with these worries but I would never finish this blog post. Suffice it say I'm really scared about being a good parent.

I know eventually I'll learn what to do and that I'm meant to be her mom, but all these quiet little fears creep up at night when I can't sleep because apparently that right is revoked when you're nine months pregnant.

Sleep? Yeah, I know that I won't get that luxury for quite awhile, but I'm still going to whine about it. I am so exhausted and I think The Husband may kill me if I don't start sleeping soon. Oh, yeah, I'm terrified also that he's going to hate me and the baby when she starts screaming in the middle in the night.

I know he couldn't hate either one of us. I can tell he's head over heels with her just like I am, but still this is what scares me.

We meet with the pediatrician tomorrow night and get a tour of the office. I'm excited to get one thing figured out before she's here. I'm excited about so much more, too, despite all my whining in the above paragraphs.

Wow, I really hope my kid isn't this whiny.

I can't wait to cuddle up with her, play with her little fingers and toes, give her a baby massage, sing to her (although I'm not so sure she'll appreciate my off key voice), feed her, talk to her, start teaching her things, and reading to her. There's not much I don't look forward to with Baby Girl. I can't wait to give her a bath and scoop her up in a big fluffy warm towel. I can't wait for her to meet the other people that love her.

Tim and I are beyond excited at this point. Neither one of us can think about anything else. Here's us at the end of November at the baby shower my godmom and godsister had for us in Monroe, MI.

Really, as much as it seems like I'm complaining I'm still happy to be pregnant and I already know she's worth it (even if I haven't met her out in this world).

I know every parent thinks this, but she is going to be one incredible woman one day. She has generations of amazingly strong, resilient, creative, and soulful women holding her up to this life.


  1. P.S. We still don't have a name for her! Help!?!?!

  2. good luck...a name is one of the few things matt and i agree on lately.

  3. good luck! i know you will be a great mom! for some reason, once you give birth YOU will be the only one who will know what is best for your little girl!! all the worries disappear when you look into their eyes for the first time. it is a love like no other!! there will be some sleepless nights, but it is all worth it in the end, and it gets better as they get older!! at 3 1/2 Owen sleeps all night, and I sleep all night :) to reassure you it started way before 3!! call me if you need someone to talk to or confide in.. especially about breastfeeding.. i had my struggles, but made it through and Owen definitely benefited from it! I love ya, and can't wait to meet baby girl!!

  4. aw Mel I will love you forever

  5. Penelope :) no middle name yet. good luck on your search

  6. You are going to be a wonderful mommy and Tim is going to be a wonderful daddy to a darling little girl :) Chad and I can NOT wait to meet our sweet little niece to love and spoil her to bits!!! We are praying for y'all and baby girl everyday! See you soon mom to be!! xoxo